She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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