If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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