we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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