im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
