So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
