My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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