there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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