ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
