Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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