Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
