Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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