i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
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I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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