i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
