Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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