Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize