If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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