Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
