hotel room ftw
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
my poor anus
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
