sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
