I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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