You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
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I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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