i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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