The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
