My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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