Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
