i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
