I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
