ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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