Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
