i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
