"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
