Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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