what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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