be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
