Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
