my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
