either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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