I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
