Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
