How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
