allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
