I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
