ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
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She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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