If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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