JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
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I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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