well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize