I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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