Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
