Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
