Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
