He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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