I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
zippers are such a cool invention
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
