When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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