Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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