yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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