It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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