I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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