You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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