She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
