I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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