Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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