I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
