The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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